I'd like to think someone really understands
I'd hope there'd be someone who could somehow care
For the self that's been hidden from myself
And of which the world is pretty much unaware.
The truth only comes out in the words I write.
I don't know why it is this way.
Even when I try to be honest and true
I'm usually saying what I feel I should say.
As to feelings, forget it, I don't really know
what if anything I am feeling.
Sometimes I'm not able to control how strongly I feel
and the intensity sends people reeling.
Being self-unaware, it may seem like I don't care
how my emotions or lack of or poorly expressing
hurt or offend, causing friendships to end.
I'm so used to repressing
it's kind of depressing.
I'm so used to over-revealing
To make up for concealing
My emotions so I don't get hurt anymore.
Now anger and sadness are taking turns appearing
For little or no reason so often that I am fearing
(as they leak out from behind that newly discovered door.)
Any contact with anyone for more than a short time.
(I feel safer among poets who write in prose or rhyme)
There's a door in the basement of my psyche or mind
Where lies hidden and buried things I don't want to find.
This door that's been bolted and welded and locked
Is so full of anger and resentment and grief I am shocked
As each bubbles and stews and poison my views
Even blowing my fuse at some bad or even good news.
If the person I'm speaking with should happen to choose
The wrong word, or tone or question me- without any clues
That's it's going to happen I perceive it as an attack
On everything I am and have, as well as what I lack.
Learning to allow myself to feel my feelings
And express them appropriately
Is going to require a lot of self-control
And learning to play a brand new role
Of someone who can show empathy.
Who can see the view from another person's eyes
And just feel with them their joy, pain, or sorrow.
Now there is hope I will be able to
Maybe even today or tomorrow.
As usual my ADHD brain forgets a really important bit
Yesterday, I got angry at someone and expressed it
Before I would have passively
aggressively suppressed it
Believe it or not, this never happened before
I usually, silently, secretly sulked out the door.
I was angry, and let it show
But controlled it and did not go
Off on the person but in a very angry yet controlled way
With the f word for emphasis, said what I had to say
In a hard but not shrill or overloud voice
Not realizing that I had not really made a choice
Just reacted instinctively to an inconsiderate act
Which although she swore was unintended, the fact
Remained that she was in the wrong
and hurt me by what she did.
Usually I'd just say it's o.k.
and keep my anger and resentment hid.
Because to allow any anger to be acknowledged
Much less, felt, would make it hard to fight
To keep all my hidden but unknown
rage and anger
from escaping out into the light.
This time my words,
although expressing my anger, did not spurt
Out of my mouth in unsuppressed rage. They were curt
But spoken in a calm, soft,
measured tempo, volume and tone
With no burning intensity or acidity that could cut to the bone
But serious as I wanted to convey my hurt, anger and pain.
She accepted this and admitted she was wrong
and would not let it happen again.
thus we gained a new mutual understanding and respect
and had a better idea of what we could from each other expect.
The next time we got together, there would be no chip
on either of our shoulders to poison our friendship.
Then I went back outside into the rain.
It was over and done with, my anger and pain
Acknowledged, felt and expressed appropriately
Not repressed but processed – how differently
I had handled this conflict, for the first time instinctively
Doing what most people seem able to do naturally.
This is earth shaking, life changing for me,
To be able to grow relationally.
This means either type of relationship, romantic or friend
Now has a chance to be healthy on both parts, not end
In the usual way, too busy to even return my call
With me not ever seeing the handwriting on the wall
Oh, I'm sure I'll still have problems from time to time
And revert to old bad habits – life is never always sublime.
But there's no doubt in my mind that the future will find
My relationship skills getting better, at first, gradually,
Improving day by day, hopefully, but if not, at least, steadily.
So, whether or not I ever
meet a woman who becomes my wife,
I will build healthier relationships
with everyone in my life.
